From Darin: Unfortunately, the following question comes from Courtney, who I really don't think we should take very seriously, as I think she probably mis-remembers thing when it comes to whoppers that her parents told her when she was growing up:
What is the Biggest Lie Your Parents Told You When You Were Growing Up?
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1. That I was adopted. This never really bothered me. I was kind of hurt to find out I wasn't. You know, when I learned I wasn't "especially picked" and all. So I used it on Courtney regularly, and her reaction was even meaner: "Oooh, gross, you mean I really have you and Dad's DNA in me? …that's disgusting.”
2. That there's nothing worse than spilled milk. There IS. I mean, yes--it's disgusting and starts to smell really bad days later in places you thought you had it wiped up but didn't, but there ARE worse things then spilled milk. Much WORSE things. Liver, death, peas, lung disease, public speaking, pancreatic cancer, serious stuff.
3. That a bear bit Dad's baby finger off.
4. Did Mom really serve Dad raw chicken once when they were newlyweds? This story is like "looking a gift horse in the mouth"...I never understood it, and the friction was usually too well under way for a child to dare ask for details at the dinner table. I just always prayed the conversation would switch to 20 sick sheep, or 26 sheep, or…
5. “This will only hurt for a second.” Whoever taught Mom to take a band aid off— Saddam Hussein?
6. “This hurts me worse than it hurts you.” This was the Flat Out Dumbest Lie I ever fell for. This was what Dad always prefaced a spanking with. First you got Mom’s dreaded “Wait ‘til Your Father Gets Home.” Then, you got the incredibly sincere “This Hurts Me Worse than it Hurts You” speech from Dad so that you had to feel guilty that he had to land one across your butt. “I am such a horrible child that I force my poor father to have to spank me.” What a DORK. The two of them were probably out in the living room on the couch giggling, having a cocktail, saying “give it 10 more minutes, then go in, rub in the guilt, make her promise never to do whatever unpardonable sin it was she did Ever Again” (like leaving my roller skates outside on the sidewalk again after being told 42 times not to, etc.)
Worst lies I ever told my own kids: I don’t remember any. Some things I told them “out of love,” just to protect them from harsh reality.
Like when you were dragging them out of bed to go to day care at 6AM and they’d ask “what time is it?” and you could lie and say “8:00, go back to sleep” and get away with it. Aw, those were the days…when they didn’t understand the concept of “time” and you could celebrate their birthday on the weekends when it was convenient. Think about it Courtney—wasn’t it a bit ODD that your birthday fell on a Saturday year after year? Now you understand time and somehow you drag your birthdays out for a week or a month, like it’s the Mardi gras or something.
And, yes, I was knowingly deceitful when I read “Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?” night after night—yes, I regularly skipped pages of that and “Go Dog, Go.” (I never skipped the Dog Party page ever, sweetheart.) So SUE ME! You had SHELVES full of books, and those two were the only ones you ever asked for. I was just trying to Move Things Along, for crying out loud. I’d like to think that’s why you’re such a voracious reader, because you don’t trust anyone to read aloud to you, so you have to do it yourself.
1. That I would never survive in the real world if I couldn't even keep my room clean. This was one of Mom's and yup, turns out this was a bald-faced lie. I'd probably still be living at home just wishing for my own apartment and a real life if Darin hadn't explained that landlords don't actually throw you out for leaving clothes on the floor. Nor will the bank repossess your house. Leaving clothes on the floor will annoy your husband but it will not affect your survival in the real world.
2. Darin already covered the "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you" speech. So, yep, what she said…
3. That eating all my beans would guarantee I'd have big boobs one day. This speech from Dad got me to clean my plate when I was about 11 or 12. I got the boobs but it turns out it had NOTHING to do with the beans. Unfortunately it is true that eating too much chocolate will give you a big butt though.
4. Which brings me to the "Chocolate makes your face break out" lie. Does not. This has been scientifically proven to be completely untrue. Now stress - that can make your face break out, so I imagine my face kept breaking out from the stress I was under from worrying that all the chocolate I was eating was going to make my face break out.
5. That you should make your bed every day. Turns out Mom was probably trying to make me sick with that one. Please check the following article to see how unmade beds may keep us healthy: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4181629.stm. Thanks a lot, Mom.
6. Reading by dim light will ruin your eyes. I would be blind by now if this were true. I don't know how many years I spent reading under the covers by flashlight after lights-out time. And because bright light might keep the baby awake, I'm still reading by dim light. My eyes might be a bit worse for the wear but they are certainly not ruined.
7. If you ignore him, he'll leave you alone. Please. Apparently you did not read the training manual on my big brother, Danny. If you ignored him it would only tick him off and force him to resort to more drastic attention getting techniques. This is how virtually every toy I owned got destroyed. This is why my poor little dog got spun around by his tail like a top. Ignoring Danny? Bad idea.
Yes Courtney, Grandma really did say that there is nothing worse than spilt milk. She still says it actually. Ask her.
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